Indian aunties Demystified !!!

You may run you may hide but you cannot escape them .I dedicate this post to “ The great Indian aunties” . Despite the sex ratio in our nation being skewed  the female population between the age group 40-60 has managed to carve a niche for themselves and I personally feel they are worth a few words of description by the masketeer.

Unlike in the west where the word auntie is used to refer to sister of your father or mother,in India  the word “auntie” is a phenomenon more of a  syndrome,that finds its root causes  in a plethora of  parasites that are of diverse nature.

The gossip aunty :They constitute the major chunk of the auntie population . Being a woman ,I can very well understand the irrestible desire of a woman to jibber jabber  anywhere,anytime to any  extent. But with age this desire takes control of their mind and speech leading to catastrophic misunderstandings ,notions and fights.

Parasite: It feeds itself by poking its nose into other people’s already messed up lives. After consumption of its fodder rather than assimilating it ,the metabolism recycles it back with added  spice salt and pepper  .

Symptoms:  Sharma auntie will burst into pieces if she does not immediately discuss about raheja auntie’s daughter’s new bf with verma auntie. Nor can raheja ignore the skirmishes between verma auntie and her daughter in law ,subsequently calling for a  round table conference in the kitty party on that issue.

Breeding grounds: The parasite has its presence felt everywhere no specific place. It just has to stumble upon any estrogen secreting species and it starts functiong!!!!

 The greedy  aunty:  Nakshtra and kazana  and the likes of it capitalize on such aunties as they are diamonds best buddies. The desire for diamonds and gold manifests itself into a desire for money and property too.The dream of each of these aunties would be to swim in the pool of gold coins owned by uncle scrooge in ducktales.

Parasite: The parasite gets orgasmic at the sight of  wealth in any tangible form. The parasite is also very good with maths as all it takes is one look at a woman ,a man or a house to approximately asses the assets owned by them.

Symptoms: Reddy auntie negotiating the amount of gold  she expects her future daughter in law to be drenched in . Iyer auntie giving off sarees as return gifts with the price tag on it. Mrs.Singh nagging her husband to buy the 21 inches LCD seeing  Mrs.Kaul having decorated her hall with that big babby .

Breeding grounds: Weddings and parties

 The commander-in-chief aunty: Women in general are driven by the sadistic pleasure to dominate others (specially other fellow women). This vicious desire has its roots so deeply entrenched that even our epic holds testimony to it,where Kunti bewitches her sons into obeying  whatever she says intentionally or accidentally ,thereby  making them the first and last propagators of polyandry. This innate desire takes shape once women reach auntiehood.   

Parasite: This parasite uses  instruments like love, emotional  blackmail at times brute and force to sustain its livelihood . The parasite’s male progeny plays an instrumental role in providing fodder to the parasite. The newely married brides face the biggest onslaught from this parasite.

Symptoms: Sen auntie  sitting on the front seat in the car along with her married son accompanied by her husband and daughter in law thrown in the rear seat(if she’d have her way may be in the dicki too) .

Breeding grounds: These parasites are very smart ,they don't surface outside that easily. They  germinate due to years of insecure feeling ,self obsession and power addiction .

Noisy aunty: Last but not the least  this group is the lot  that can stop the rotation of the earth, bring the traffic to a standstill ,scare the shits out of you with their high pitched shouting and shrieking. It stems from the fact that once upon  a time beautiful soft spoken chiks transform into impatient aunties after marriage , attending to the unending requirements of the family. 

Parasite: They are irritating causing momentary rise in B.P and pulse rate accompanied with a slight damage to your ear drums , but are comparatively less hazardous than  the above mentioned parasites.

Symptoms: Aunties arguing over a seat in the ladies compartment , bargaining frantically in a sabji mandi, two kaam walis fighting over the procurement of a household . Your doomsday will dawn on you the moment you accidentally step on the feet of these aunties in a crowded bus and all you can do is pray the almighty while waiting to be thrown out through that window below the demonically inscribed word "Ladise only"(R.I.P English). 

Breeding grounds: You get to see them predominantly in railway stations ,buses,fish markets and  sabji mandis.

No offence to any auntie out there the Masketeer has utmost respect to this clan ,its just that Maskteer finds this tribe very intriguing and hilarious ……………..

My chumma to all d aunties of India love u :)